Risky business

I’ve dreamed of owning my own business for as long as I can remember. But I have two problems:

1. I can’t narrow down what I want to do
2. I am afraid

I’m working on the fear thing. It’s a daily struggle to push fast fear but I’ve come a long way. School is helping a lot. The more I read, write, and learn, the more confident I become. But I just don’t feel ready to take the next step yet. The risk seems too great.

safe ship

Then Josh started talking to me about opening a CrossFit box. And something weird happened. I ran with it. I won’t say I’m not afraid, I am. But for some reason I have complete confidence that this will work. It is crazy considering how much money we already owe for our mortgage, hospital bills, and Josh’s school loans but…I don’t know…I just can’t explain why I don’t have all the doubts and fears that I have when I think about owning MY OWN business.

missed jump

I read about this in one of my books for school. It’s called Powering Up by Anne Doyle. She talks about how women tend to defer to their husbands. It’s just what we do. Women hold a lot of responsibility and guilt when it comes to family obligations. I have complete and total confidence that Josh has what it takes (with my help of course!) to run a successful CrossFit box.

So why do I worry so much about failure when it comes to my dreams? I am happiest when I am coaching leaders and repurposing furniture. That’s what I want to do. But I just don’t see how those two things can work together??

But I’m not the one who has to have this all figured out…my job is to trust.

 “The master in the art of living makes little distinction between his work and his play, his labor and his leisure, his mind and his body, his information and his recreation, his love and his religion. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence at whatever he does, leaving others to decide whether he is working or playing. To him he’s always doing both.”-James Michener




One of the books from my reading list this year was Anything You Want by Derek Sivers. It’s more of a business/entrepreneur book but I still got a lot out of it.


One passage in particular struck me.

anything you want

“You can’t pretend there’s only one way to do it.” How freeing! As much as I hate it, my tendency is toward black and white thinking. It’s all or nothing, this way or no way. I try desperately to escape this but the brain can be very difficult to train. Combine this with my ever present compulsion to compare myself and well, I’m usually not satisfied. It’s as if I am walking around surrounded by measuring sticks by which I must constantly gauge my abilities. Unfortunately, my self worth is tied to this process and since I am not perfect I am almost always disappointed.


I am working on that. Which is why the thought of having many options in life is very intriguing to me. I like to think of it as though we live through seasons. I don’t expect to be sun bathing in winter…it’s winter time….that doesn’t make sense. The same with our lives. Should I really expect to be training hours a week when I just moved to a new city, started a new job, and bought a new house? Add all the sickness I’ve had and I am just happy to make it through the day without freaking out on somebody.

high five kid pres

We should all be a little less hard on ourselves and others. Especially me. I get really irritated with overly cautious or slow drivers. I am always in a hurry (a topic for another day) and so when these unfortunate souls get in my way I am usually chastising them from my car. But yesterday I couldn’t find the top to my coffee mug. So you better believe I was taking it slow all the way to work because I was not going to spill one drop in my new car. I had several people ride up on my bumper and zoom around staring me down as they passed. I made a mental note to stop doing that people, you never know what others have going on.

This is fresh on my mind this summer because I have been making a genuine effort to work on my self image. I am choosing positive thoughts over negative ones, learning what it means to love myself and accept (and maybe even one day love) my flaws. This all stemming from my goal to focus on the inside rather than the outside.

Exercise and fitness are important to me and I expect them to remain so the rest of my life. I just don’t know to what level I will always be able to commit. I need to realize that I am still a good person even when my focus shifts. It’s ok to have seasons. Running and working out are things that people can see and are impressed by. It’s immediately rewarding to work on those goals. But changing your mindset, transforming your character…that is hard. And the results are more subtle. You don’t see facebook updates about people boasting that they spent 10 minutes looking at themselves in the mirror repeating over and over all the traits they love. But how many times did I scroll through and see post after post of the workout of the day, number of miles ran, another pound lost. I’m not judging, that was me at one point. But now I am at a different season of my life so I have to stop comparing it to seasons past.

Changing the way I talk to myself and breaking my food addiction have not only been time consuming, but energy consuming as well. Running 6 miles before work used to be easy and normal. But that was a different time, different job. Plus, I am preparing myself for the amount of work that is in  front of me when I start my doctorate program. There’s only so many hours in a day and I usually don’t like to sacrifice my beauty sleep…just sayin’…not sure how much time I’ll be in the gym over the next 4 years.

I got an email from one of my professors yesterday with our textbook requirements. She expects that we will have 2 of the 9 books read before our first class meeting in just over a month.


jk, jk…I’ll at least skim it.


“Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each. Let them be your only diet, drink, and botanical medicines.” -Henry David Thoreau


Josh and I haven’t exactly been seeing eye to eye lately…And it’s basically all my fault. I’ve just been struggling with what my new balance looks like. I’ve only ever been “Lindsay who obsesses over calories in vs calories out”. So trying to transform to “Lindsay who is healthy and happy” is causing some disruption.

Josh follows Crossfit. Since he gets to use the gym at his work for free he isn’t a member of a box. But he follows the WODs from a box that he likes. He was getting started with that about the same time I was training for the marathon. So even though we were in different worlds, it was still kinda the same world. We were both obsessed with getting better, faster, stronger.

But lately when I think about running another half or full I’m just like

i dont want to

I have so loved being back home where I get to play with my nephews whenever I want, see my mom often, and spend hours on a weekend relaxing instead of working out. It makes me happy. But being fit and healthy makes me happy too. I’m just trying to find that balance.

So last night Josh and I were having this discussion. I was trying to explain to him how I feel. I haven’t given up on running or living a healthy lifestyle. I just don’t want to talk about it ALL the time. Josh is still pretty committed to his personal fitness goals. He exercises every single day. He watches videos on how to perfect his form. He’s been watching the crossfit games. And that is totally cool. I am in no way bashing that. I’m just sayin’…for me, at this stage in my life, I don’t want to spend hours at the gym every week. I love our house and my family and I just want to be there, soaking up the moments. Not in a steamy rpm class with the instructor yelling at me to “go harder”.

um no

Nothing was really resolved from the conversation. I said my side, and Josh said his side. Which was that I could still be a happy, healthy person and enjoy being competitive in fitness. We did what any mature couple does…agree to disagree and turn on Scrubs.

So this morning I am scrolling my facebook feed and the first photo I come across is from the Women of Crossfit=Strong page:

always beautiful


Remember when I was talking about those little signs we’re given? Message received. I think I’ll try a local 5k this Saturday and see what happens.

“If a warrior is to succeed at anything, the success must come gently, with a great deal of effort but with no stress or obsession.” – Carlos Castaneda


The next chapter

2012 was the year of the marathon. 2013 was the year of uncertainty. 2014 will be the year of gluten free.

As much as it pains me to think about eliminating all my favorite foods, it pains me even more to eat them. So it’s decided. I must try. I had to miss work yesterday  because of a flare up from bad choices I made over the weekend.  It started Sunday and I’m still recovering 4 days later. It felt like stomach flu. This is no way to live.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading. It’s so overwhelming. There is so much information and a lot of it is conflicting. All I know is I am tired of feeling sick and tired.

Considering that basically everything I eat contains gluten, I’m going to take this slow and expect some mistakes. I’m having to teach myself how to eat all over again.

Made a trip to Natural Grocers tonight and it went a little something like this:

price tag

After I recovered from the shock of the prices, I did end up getting a few things to get me started. The main sources of gluten for me are bread and tortillas so I figured I’d start there.


Something tells me that brown rice loaf isn’t going to be as tasty as the honey wheat I’ve been eating my entire life…


But food is not an activity. It’s not a celebration or an event. It’s fuel for my body. And my body apparently likes the chevron with techron premium unleaded type of fuel. What I sposed to do?

oh well


If anyone happens upon this post and has some good tips for a newbie gluten-free eater they are much appreciated  Download your free smiley


If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you

Gluten free is very trendy right now isn’t it? Everyone is talking about going gluten-free and more and more restaurants are offering gluten-free options.

I’m just over here like


But I’ve been noticing some…changes…in myself over the last year. I have spoken of it a few times on here, talking about how my hormones must be out of whack, I thought I might be pregnant, or just general complaints about how sensitive my stomach is. The issues are so widespread it’s really hard to determine what exactly is causing them, hormones, dehydration, stress, or maybe I’m just coo coo pants and it’s all psychosomatic. I just don’t know. Blood tests show nothing, other than a slight Vitamin D deficiency.

And so I scour the internet, doing what every American does…self diagnosing with unreliable and sometimes untrue information.

But when I started looking in to celiac disease some things started to click. Like the fact that I have many of the most common symptoms of gluten intolerance. One of which is vitamin deficiency. Vitamin D, in particular is important for your bones because it helps you absorb calcium. So that deficiency might also explain why I had a stress fracture in my foot.

Of course none of my issues are serious enough to get me in to the doctor in under 3 months so I wait. I can’t go until July. Maybe I’ll get some answers then. But in the meantime, Josh thinks I should go completely gluten free. So I’m like oh yeah ok, well everyone’s doing it. But then I went ahead and did a quick google search of ‘list of foods you can’t have with gluten intolerance’ and I’m like


People, I am not strong. At the end of the day, I’ve used up all my will power and good decision making skills. I just want to come home and eat cheese and bread and pasta. If I do happen to make a good choice and opt for the salad, it is drenched in fat-full ranch dressing.

In my reading I came across this statement in this article: If you experience any or all of the above symptoms, you may want to get tested for a gluten intolerance or celiac disease or try a gluten elimination diet. The answer could be life changing.”

It’s not that I can’t go a week without gluten, I mean it’s only a week. It’s the answer I’m afraid of. I am scared that at the end of the week (or two) that my symptoms will subside and I will be forced to accept that I will forever be that girl at the party.

stand by me


So I’ve been sitting on it for a couple weeks now. I just don’t feel ready to give up all the foods I love. In this time, I am forced to ask myself WHY do I love those foods? They hurt me. I’m like that woman in the lifetime movie that keeps going back to the abusive husband and everyone else in the world is like


On the way to work this morning I was reminded of a post I wrote the summer I was training for the marathon. I found some diary entries that reminded me why I was putting myself through that process.

What if I had never had the courage to take that first step? To continue taking steps? What if I had given up and said that losing weight was “too hard” or running a marathon “wasn’t for me”. What life would I have right now?

Every single skipped dessert, every single turned down margarita, every single mile…all worth it to be the person I am today.

I remember back in middle school and high school playing basketball. I HATED running. It was a punishment. If you didn’t perform you had to run. I was awful at it too. Side cramps and burning lungs. I was always one of the last ones to finish the laps. But look at me now.

So with that realization in mind, I have decided to do this. Clean eating is a must and it may even involve eliminating gluten. I will fail a lot and I can’t guarantee a time frame. When I was struggling with weight gain I used to write in my diary that I had no idea when or how it would happen, but it would happen. I was going to get healthy again. And so here I am again, making the same pledge but with a different goal in mind. I am not 5 years old, there are way more foods than cheese and bread. Though I have made great strides in my eating habits and dealing with all my texture issues I feel I am being forced to take it to another level.

I envy all you who can pop a grape in your mouth and enjoy the flavors without having a gag reflex, those who can chew cooked carrots and swallow without making a face.

One day Lindsay…one day…

first step

What the mind believes

Yesterday I was on the treadmill at the gym. I’m doing my best to just zone in, forget about what’s going on around me and just get a good workout in. But for some reason, I was really distracted with the people around me. There were a couple of people on treadmills next to me and others on row machines down in front of me. I was bored because I am having to go slower than usual and I’m also taking walk breaks during my runs. So while I’m watching all the people around me at the gym, that Seinfeld scene with George popped in to my head

i was in the pool

I was struggling with the pressure of thinking that I should be running faster, not taking breaks, and just basically doing better. I feel like I need to justify myself for why I’m running at 6.2 instead of my normal 7.0. Or why I am only running 3-4 miles instead of 6-7.

BUT I have been working really hard to come back from this stress fracture. PROPERLY. I’m sticking to the walk/run program and making sure I don’t get hurt again. But it’s been tough because I just want to go.


But the program makes me feel like this


So I just did my best to quit looking at what everyone else was doing and focus on my journey.  I was reminded of my best PR ever. It was last spring in St. Louis. I had signed up for a little fundraiser 5k called Take Steps for Kids. Here’s the thing, I didn’t use a garmin or a watch during that race. I hadn’t been feeling my absolute best the week prior. I thought I might  be coming down with something. But I didn’t want to not run the race. So I showed up fully expecting to suck, but I was going to walk away with the experience of running a race on the Washington University campus.

But something amazing happened, I didn’t suck. Not even close. I placed 1st in my division with a time of 22:47 which is a 7:20 pace. That is unheard of for me. I’m a pretty big girl. I basically average around the 9:00-10:00 minute mile range most of the time. When I really work, I can get in the 8’s in a 5k but 7:20…wow. I had to check the route several times just to make myself believe that I had actually done that. I mean, this 5k had a set of stairs in the route for crying out loud. I had the hardest time believing that I could run in the 7 minute mile range. But I did.

That experience taught me the power of the mind. If I wear a watch and track my pace, when I start to see numbers I’ve never seen before I get nervous. I think “I shouldn’t be able to do this, I better slow down or else I will burn out”. But that day in St. Louis I didn’t have that meter to go by. I just listened to my body and did what I could. And apparently I could do a lot better than I had let myself.

So I’m thinking about this now because it’s hard to know how to come back from this injury. It’s so easy to just make excuses “oh I’ll take an extra rest day because I had a stress fracture” or “I’ll just go really slow because I had a stress fracture”. But at the same time, I feel pressure to be right back where I was before all this and I don’t want to sabotage myself by taking it too slow.

There is a lot of information out there about how to start running again after a fracture. It’s a lot the same but a lot different. Just like every body is different. So I’m just doing my best to tune everything and everyone else out. It doesn’t matter what the chick on the treadmill next to me is doing. All that matters is that I’m doing something I love and listening to my body.


This kind of begs the question though, how many things in life are we holding ourselves back on? How many times have we doubted what we are capable of?

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Make the most

I’ve never been officially diagnosed with an eating disorder or body dysmorphic disorder but I definitely consider myself at risk. It is a constant effort every. single. day. I have to actively work to remind myself that my body does not define me. I’m talking about this today because it’s gotten a lot worse over the last several weeks. I look in the mirror and I see extra pounds and flab. I freak out and think I’ve gained weight. I pull out the measuring tape and it’s the same as it’s always been. My clothes fit but what my eyes see in the mirror doesn’t match.


This stress fracture has forced me to stop and examine. It’s pretty obvious that running was my go to. My safety net. If I ever had a bad day and made some bad choices


I always had the ability to go run it off.

ran today

Not being able to use running as an insurance policy has unearthed a lot of feelings and disordered thoughts that I have apparently been suppressing. I’m forced to ask myself some questions:
Why am I so preoccupied with my body and food?
Why does it matter so much to me?
Is this who I want to be?
How much time have I wasted worrying about all this?

I’ve also been thinking A LOT about the real reason I run. Do I like running for hours on end because its fun? Because I enjoy challenging myself? Because it’s my daily quiet time?

crazy runners

Or do I like running because it allows me to continue ignoring the fact that I have an unhealthy relationship with food?

It should be said that I have started running again. It’s a slow road back and I’m using the time to evaluate what I want out of this life. The problem, and I have mentioned it before, is that it’s all or nothing with me. Whatever I am involved in, I let it consume me. I don’t half ass anything. So the things I choose to do need to be meaningful.

I had the amazing opportunity to hear Mitch Albom speak this week. He is an incredible public speaker and his thoughts about death and dying are very inspirational. He discussed his book Tuesdays with Morrie and talked about the importance of investing in people and relationships. This is something I have a hard time with.

As a natural introvert, it’s not that I don’t like people, I am just not always sure how to talk to them. I am so much better now than I used to be, but even still, I’m kinda awkward. I tend to avoid conversation (especially with new people) because I am afraid that I won’t know what to say, or worse I’ll just start spewing verbal vomit, or I’ll put my foot in my mouth. Remember how I’m always fearful?? I wish that I was better at knowing what to say and when to say it. I wish that I was comfortable visiting sick people in the hospital or attending baby showers. But these things don’t come easy to me. I don’t even like my own birthday because it means that people are talking to me all day and making me the center of attention (not fun for me).

When it comes to work and fitness, I am super goal oriented, I make lists, and organize things, and get a lot done in a day. But lately I’ve been feeling really…just…vapid.


I am at a crossroads right now.  Thus far, my goals have all been ME focused. College, weight loss, jobs, etc. And all of these are good accomplishments, I would never fault myself or anyone else for these things. It’s just…at the end of the day, I still don’t feel “good enough”. I feel like I’m doing so much…and yet… nothing at all.

I am not ready to give up running or exercise, it’s important to take care of yourself so you can take care of others. I just don’t want this to be MY LIFE anymore. I realize there’s more out there.


 I am making a change. I have been in contact with a local nonprofit organization about getting involved with their mission and I am hoping to work more on my relationships. I have spent my entire life being afraid of people but I believe that Mitch Albom is right. Success, money, image, none of those things matter. Mitch said when your time comes you’re not lying on your death bed calling out for your Porsche or the big screen tv. NO. You are calling out to loved ones. You just want a last hug, a last touch, to tell them you love them. That is what matters.


Brett Dennen sings a lot about the truly important things in life, that is why I find his music so uplifting. This is a little excerpt from his song Make the Most. I think it’s pretty fitting.

And in the morning, when I rise
One question, that feels like the sun in my eyes
Am I making the most of this life?
So much trouble and so much strife
And in my guilty hour
Through all of my shame
When all my love is run sour
I have no one else to blame
Cause it finds me through the mask I wear
And I see it through it my eyes closed
But still I cannot bare to stare into my worries and my woes
Theres comfort in self loathing and its easy to slip into it
But still I must learn to lead my life with no regrets
All the time it all moves in the same direction
So don’t let it pass you by
Because it moves so fast, there’s no time for perfection
So make the most of this life
Make the most of this life 
Make the most of this life
Make the most of this life


So this year I have decided to focus on inner goals rather than outer goals. Which worked out really well since I had a stress fracture in my foot and every free second is going to painting and decorating the new house. So not a whole lot is getting accomplished in that department right now.

One of my absolute favorite things about our time in St. Louis was all the reading I did! I love getting lost in a book. Some days I would spend hours reading.

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 I was also going to a body flow class and as a whole, feeling pretty relaxed despite all the uncertainty at the time. As soon as we got back to Texas it was like I was sucked through a vortex and tossed back in to “real life” leaving behind all the free time and the calm feeling. It seems like things have been going a hundred miles an hour ever since.


 I’m thinking this is what it’ll be like when we finally do have that first baby…but we don’t have to worry about that right now.

Anyhooser, I resolved to read more this year. 1 book a month to be exact. Which may not seem like a lot to others but for me, this is a big goal. I never make time for myself. I guess exercise has always counted as my “me time” and other things I love to do get pushed aside by the mundane tasks of every day life. But what do I do when I can’t exercise? (At least not like I want to.)

Running has been my therapy. It helped me through a lot of stressful times in the past couple years. The past several months have been some of the MOST stressful times of my life. And I can’t run it out. Instead, I’ve been filling every extra second to distract myself from a) food and b) the fact that I can’t run. And it hasn’t been working.


So, I am exploring other forms of stress relief.  I read somewhere that stress is poison and I believe that. I think that a lot of the issues I’ve been having with appetite, nausea, moodiness, insomnia, achiness, and difficulty breathing are due to a combination of my constant self-inflicted pressure and an inability to cope with the anxiety brought about by said pressure. I’m getting tired of feeling sick and tired and my “ignore it and maybe it’ll go away” method isn’t working out.


It’s all about what we make time for. And I have decided to make more time for stress relief in my life, like reading, and yoga. So I am going to create a yoga/meditation room in my house. This is my pinterest inspiration.

meditation room

But like most pinterest ideas, I’m fully expecting this to be one of those “close enough” projects…


But that the is theme of my year. Letting go of my need for perfection and embracing life’s imperfections.

As far as reading goes, I really enjoy reading novels but I’m pretty picky about them so I decided to read books about leadership and motivation, a really interesting topic for me. January was a success and a really good read. I’m hurriedly trying to finish my February book before tomorrow. Don’t think I’m gonna make it but I’m blaming it on the fact that February is the short month.

Reading list

“In the case of good books, the point is not how many of them you can get through, but rather how many can get through to you.”-Mortimer J. Adler

Home sweet home


We finally moved in to the new house! I am trying really hard to avoid consumerism and I really don’t want to be materialistic… But I LOVE my house! I basically adore it every time I come home. I think I am just more enamored with the fact that we’ve finally earned what we’ve been working so hard for.

So this may sound weird to a lot of people but I really dislike the color brown. I don’t wear it. I don’t own any brown pillows, blankets, rugs, etc. Josh had a brown pickup one time and it really bothered me. Like most of my aversions, I cannot explain it, it just is. I much prefer black. Which is not that popular of a color in home décor here in Texas.

So the fact that we bought a home which is covered in brown inside and out is just ironic. But I fell in love with the master bathroom and closet and that was the end of it.

Everyone has their list of “must haves” but my # 1 (absolutely NO compromising on this point) was the master bathroom. Josh and I shared a bathroom for our first year of marriage. That was brutal. From what I gather on HGTV, that is really normal up north. But down here in Texas we like our space. So when we moved in to our next apartment we made sure it had 2 bathrooms. Best thing we ever did for our marriage.

But, I knew when we bought a house we’d have to go back to sharing and that’s why I wanted a big one…with a walk in closet and a big ol’ tub.


And I found it! Some people are like “I don’t know why you want one of those big jetted tubs, you’ll never use it”. Oh yes I do! This is literally me every single night


But back to the brown issue. I somehow convinced Josh to help me repaint the entire house.

Yall, this is really hard work! At first you’re like oh yay! I have a new house and I get to paint it with all my own colors. And then after the first day of climbing up and down the ladder, taping off baseboards, and cleaning up messes you’re like


But I love it more and more with every wall we complete. We bought a newer house because we aren’t very “handy”. I may be crafty but I’m not “handy”. (and there is a big difference)


So…so me.

I did not want to do any major renovations. Painting walls and cabinets is fine. We will probably replace flooring and tile later on, but that’s the extent of it. I’d much rather spend my weekends relaxing and playing with the nephews. So progress is slow but I will post some before and afters soon.


Don’t judge me…

Ok…I haven’t been completely upfront. In fact, I have been withholding information. I didn’t want to say anything lest the words actually entering the cyber universe curse me but it doesn’t matter because it happened anyway. I had to cancel my registration in the Miracle Match 1/2 marathon this month. I was actually signed up for a special event called the Challenge of the Phoenix with a 5k on Saturday and the 1/2 on Sunday. I was really really looking forward to it.

But I did something stupid. I did something ALL runners know not to do. I ignored an injury.

I know…I know…I can just see all your faces…


This is the exact face I had when Josh would complain about a nagging knee injury he was having most of last year. I was always the one preaching to Josh and all my friends the importance of taking breaks when you think you might be hurt. “It’s better to take 1 week off than 6!” So smug…

But then when it’s me that feels a twinge the rules apparently don’t apply.


I started feeling a burning sensation on the top of my left foot back in July. But I just brushed it off. Then my foot started feeling sore after some runs. I just figured it would go away. Then my foot started hurting after every run but I figured I could just ice and move on.

I was struggling with mental concentration and dedication. I already gave up once last fall because of it. I just couldn’t allow myself to give up again (even if it was for a legitimate reason). So I decided to go ahead with an 11 mile run 2 weekends ago. Not my best decision. I have been limping and icing ever since. The stupidity continued. Last Saturday I tried to go out for the 12 miler but I just had to stop. My foot was throbbing and aching the entire time. I had to call it quits at mile 4. It was way too painful and obvious that this was a legitimate injury and not soreness and it definitely wasn’t mental weakness.

I indulged in a good cry


Then a totally justified hissy fit


But I’m over it…for the most part. Nothing I can do about it now except learn and move on.

I went to the doctor today and the Xray didn’t really show anything. I have to wait to see what the MRI will show but we’re pretty sure it’s a stress fracture. Which means I get to wear a super stylish boot for the next 6 weeks.

And no running for 6-8 weeks. That’s right…no running…


I’m gonna do my best. Besides, the timing is actually pretty good. What’s 6-8 weeks out of the grand scheme of a lifetime? I can use this time to focus on picking the colors for our new house!

“When I was 37, I pulled a groin muscle, and I tried to run through it. A friend asked, ‘You have to decide: Are you going to run for the next two weeks or for the rest of your life?’ Thats been my philosophy ever since.” Richard Hillested, 66, finisher of more than 75 marathons and Ultra