I have earned a reputation for being a bit of tight ass. I’m not proud of it. I never wanted to be that person. You know, the annoying one that always has to have a plan and freaks out if things don’t follow exactly with the pre-determined itinerary I’ve outlined and color coordinated in Excel…
I didn’t even realize I was that person until my sophomore year in college. It was move-in day and we were trying to get my stuff moved in to my dorm and Josh’s stuff in his. At the time, I thought I was just being efficient and taking on the role of leader. But a comment was made to me by a family member about how I should try to “calm down”. Which struck me because I was like
Even more wounding, I’ve been compared to the fastidious Margo from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation…
Who likes Margo?? So I worked very hard to hide that part of myself by suppressing it under miles of pavement pounding followed by tons of pizza. Unfortunately, the pendulum swung a little too far to the side of unstable madness…
So I made some really big changes in the way I handle my life. I practice something called mindfulness which involves being present in the current moment. Not allowing my mind to wander to the past or future, but being gentle with myself when it does. When something happens that scares me, instead of worrying, I pray. I ask God to take control. I have released myself of the pressure of needing to supply all the answers. Not my job.
The last year of my life has been totally different in the way I view myself and my circumstances. I am choosing joy and my overall sense of well being is so much better!
The problem is that Josh knows me as the stressed out easily agitated Lindsay. He spent years with that version of me. So when something happens that in the past would have caused a panic, he is checking on me constantly and asking if I’m ok. When I say I’m good he doesn’t believe me.
To be fair, I may be guilty of occasionally saying that things are fine when they really aren’t…
But this time I’m really ok!! Learning to let go and let God was one of the most transformative skills I’ve ever learned. I’m not perfect…far from it. I still have moments where anxiety takes over and the enemy speaks louder than peace. But I’m miles away from where I used to be and moving forward.
“I know that God exists. I held her in my arms.
I never knew I was able to ever feel this strong.
Take me off your worry list, it’ll be better that way.
And I’m doing fine and I got plenty of friends around.
Take me off your worry list, just throw it away.
Well it’s time to stand up on my own for her.”