Turns out I’m not perfect. Despite all my efforts, I still stumble and sometimes I even fall. Here is actual footage of me trying to figure out this whole working from home with a baby thing…
I’ve always been really great at time management. Back when my life had neat little categories, I worked 8 hours a day and in between those hours, I could do whatever I wanted. Owning a business is not like that at all. Add a newborn in there and yikes! It’s consuming. Every day is different which I love, but also I hate it. So while I’ve been trying to juggle everything, I pretty much dropped the ball labeled “Take Care of Lindsay”. The other day I had coffee for breakfast and lunch. Alone time and exercise are nearly nonexistent. Ya’ll, I own a gym and I’m lucky to get one workout a week. (Not counting all my nightly trips back and forth between our bedroom and Elora’s.)
Last fall when I was on maternity leave, I felt free. I got to be with Elora every day and spend time with Josh up at the gym in the afternoons. Even though I was still working the business, it felt like a vacation. It was a really great season of my life.
Now that I’m actually marking the “self-employed” box, it’s different. My expectations suddenly changed. I think I allowed myself to feel guilty that Josh was gone working all day. So I put all this pressure on myself to perform. I started basing my self-worth off of the number of tasks I completed in a day. (Which is unpredictable when you have a baby in your home office.) If I didn’t accomplish all the things, I felt like I was “less than”. But even if I did all the tasks, I didn’t feel great because I would just invent more things to do. Before Elora was born, I did so much work learning to be grateful, focus on the present, and breathe out anxiety. I was feeling the best I’ve ever felt. But during the last couple of months I accidentally forgot to do that and let myself fall into the rabbit hole of self doubt and worry.
It’s been bad. A lot of freak outs, crying, and heavy breathing. So since wine isn’t a great long term coping skill…
I decided I should really do something about how I’ve been feeling. First things first…
I’m terrible at this! I allowed guilt and pride to consume me. But that obviously wasn’t serving me very well. So I’ve started letting people help me with Elora. HUGE difference! Second, I’ve been working through my negative thought patterns. THANK GOODNESS for my friend and business coach who reminds me how to be a better me. In our conversation this week, she helped me realize that I am in overwhelm. I need to press Control, Alt, Delete and see how many processes I’m running in the background. (TOO MANY!) They all basically boil down to guilt, anxiety, and fear. =Waste of time! I need to go through and End Task on all those unnecessary processes.
One day, I’ll be sitting in an auditorium watching Elora graduate from high school. She’ll be radiant with all the possibilities her life holds. I’ll be so happy for her. But I’ll also be sad because it will mean that she won’t need me as much anymore. On that day, I can guarantee I won’t be thinking “gosh, I’m so glad I kept the house clean and filed all that paperwork back when Elora was a baby”. I won’t remember anything about the annoying day to day tasks of running a business and home. But I will definitely remember these moments.
Holding my sweet, precious angel and letting her snuggle me. Listening to her little breaths and soft sighs as she falls asleep. Inhaling the captivating scent that is unique to my little girl.
LOVE. That is all there is. It is the only process I need running. Everything else follows.