I like to be the one in control. I like keeping the house clean, the laundry folded, the bills paid, and the dinner on the table. I’m good at it and I’m happy to do these things for Josh so he can spend time doing what he loves.
But this year has been hard. When I first started my doctorate back in 2014, I asked Josh to help me with some things. I warned him that he might need to take over some of my usual chores every once in a while. But instead of allowing him to help me, I just figured out a way to handle it all.
And then when we started our business, I still figured out a way to handle it all.
It’s not because he isn’t willing, he definitely is. It’s because I feel guilty any time I have to ask him to do something for me. I’ve been slowly working on this but pregnancy is hurrying the process along.
I haven’t allowed myself to slow down at all. And since I always push past my limits (that’s why I’m a good distance runner) my body has been forced to step up and take over. Growing a baby is making me tired. I hurt and I can’t seem to find the energy to do anything that isn’t necessary.
So while Josh was coaching the late class at our gym the other night, I was supposed to be at home taking care of the dogs and cooking dinner. Instead, this is the text I sent him:
Josh came home to find me, pants-less on the couch, doing my best to keep my eyes open. And because he is a good man, he cooked me a burger.
It was delicious. It always tastes so much better when someone else cooks it.
Pregnancy has slowed me down a lot. We’ve both had to adjust to this new level I’m on. It reminds me of that Oregon Trail game that we used to play in computer class back in elementary school.
I’m not sure how to operate on anything other than a grueling pace. But I am figuring it out.
I’m being forced to evaluate what’s important. I’m learning to let go. It’s ok if the guest bathroom hasn’t been cleaned in 3 months. It’s ok if I can’t remember the last time I mopped the floor. It’s ok if I have to ask for help. The fact that there is giant spider village living in the corner of my dining room is minor in the bigger picture of this life. And I am no less of a person because of it.
“Do not be a harsh judge of yourself, without kindness toward ourselves, we cannot love the world.”-Buddha