I remember reading blogs and articles about people who were pregnant and judging them. Not in a harsh way, but you know, that thing that we do when we look at other people and expect ourselves to be better.
I thought I would “never” revert back to my bad eating habits just because I was pregnant. I read the article in Fit Pregnancy dispelling the myth of “eating for two” so I know what I’m doing.
I thought I would “never” allow pregnancy to affect my body image. After all, things are supposed to get larger.
Ok, I’m calling bull crap on all of that. Growing a human totally messes you up.
I am one of the “lucky” ones who hasn’t experienced any nausea and vomiting. Instead I am starving all the time and the only foods that sound good are really comforting like pizza, nachos, and grilled cheese sandwiches. So I’m trying really hard not to gain 50 pounds in the first few weeks…
I very grossly misjudged this whole thing. I thought that being pregnant would automatically cancel out any of the body image and food issues that I’ve had in the past. Because the baby is the most important thing I, obviously, don’t matter anymore.
Ya’ll, it’s just not that easy.
Right now, I’m in that awful stage where it just looks like I’m letting myself go. I am extremely bloated, I feel like I can’t breathe, my pants are too tight, and I’m tired all the time. These are all the same things I feel when I eat too much. I associate those things with “being bad”. My go to response is to internally chastise my weakness and correct it by over exercising. But that’s NOT healthy and it’s certainly not good for a growing baby. So I’m just fighting the negative thoughts with positive ones.
I foolishly believed that because I was creating new life that none of these things would matter to me anymore. But they do. And I hate that they do. Now, I have come a long way since I started this blog. I can now recognize my triggers and usually avoid binges but pregnancy has been a very hard test.
So I already feel completely inadequate as a parent. And from what I can tell, it just keeps getting worse from this point on.
“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” -Maya Angelou