29

Today I turn 29.

Bruce-Jenner-fake-crying-Im-getting-so-old-GIF-KUWTK

I guess I am supposed to say that I am really not that upset about it because 30 is the new 20 and blah blah blah. But that would be a lie. It is affecting me. And it’s making me mad that it’s affecting me.

I don’t know why I put so much power in numbers. The scale, my age, 5k time, grades, pant size, whatever. Why do I let these numbers control me?

I am trying to think way back to when I was 20 and remember where I thought I would be by now. I figured I would

-have a full time job that I enjoy
-be married to Josh
-own a home
-live somewhere that is not my hometown
-have at least 1 child, maybe 2

So I am 3 out of 5 right now. Not too bad. It makes me think about the Scrubs episode where JD pulls out a list he made of things he wanted to accomplish before he turned 30.

The List

There are a lot of things I want to “do” in this life. Many of them I haven’t gotten to yet…

ben and jerrys

Seriously though…it’s a problem…

I could make a list of 100 things I want to “do” but the only things that matter are things I want to “be”:

-an authentic wife, daughter, sister, friend, leader
-loving and graceful to everyone I meet
-loving and graceful to myself
-giving of my time and talents

All of those things are on the other side of FEAR. Fear holds me back. Fear of not being good enough.

draining

I am afraid to show people any weakness and so I show them nothing. That is a waste of my life. I don’t want to waste my life. Fear will not control me.

“When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make.” -Brene Brown in Daring Greatly

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