Despite the fact that it is painful and pretty embarrassing to share my body image issues here, I still do it. I guess it helps me to write about it and if one other person reads this and feels comfort from knowing that they are not the only one struggling, then it’s worth it to share.
I recently read Becoming a Person of Influence by John Maxwell. (Excellent book by the way) On page 51 he tells a story of two college writing clubs. Basically the women’s group found positive things to say and encouraged each other while the men’s group harshly critiqued each other’s writing. Many of the women became successful writers, one even earning a Pultizer, and none of the men did.
The power of positive thinking in action. How wonderful, to think that positivity and encouragement can do so much good. It’s so simple yet so…hard.
I really can’t explain why I am so ugly to myself. It’s as though I have this inner demon whose only goal is to make me feel like a failure in everything. I hate that voice. I have described it as arguing with a toddler.
I feel so bad for Josh. It is not his responsibility to make me feel good about myself, only I can do that. But it takes a lot of work to undo so many years of habit and when I suffer, he suffers too.
I’ve been struggling with whatever is going on with my stomach. I still don’t have an official diagnosis but I can’t seem to get rid of the bloating in my tummy no matter how healthy I eat or how much I exercise. It’s really messing with my progress on this issue.
Last night was a bad night. Sometimes I just give up. I get tired of fighting the demon voice and just let it win. It usually doesn’t go well after that. The demon voice takes over and makes me a very mean person to myself and everyone around me. I almost always end up crying in the tub. Which is exactly what happened last night. Josh tries so hard to “pull me out of it”. But it’s a losing battle. All I need in those moments is a hug and for him to just be there. All his words of rationality are lost at that point because I’ve already tried all of them with no success.
It has been over 5 years since I realized that my inner voice is a @!%*$. I decided to stop listening to it. It has been very slow and it also seems to come and go but I have made some progress. It is a daily struggle. A constant back and forth between my condescending demon and my voice of rationality. I expect I will continue in this struggle for many more years to come.
It’s so simple…just choose to feed the good wolf. But it’s not always that easy. I just have to believe that, like all things, if I just keep at it I will eventually be free of my mean voice. If I just keep feeding myself with positive thoughts, music, images, and people. If I keep my voice of rationality full then the mean one has to go away right?
Thanks, Channing! I really needed that today.
“Is fat really the worst thing a human being can be? Is fat worse than vindictive, shallow, vain, boring, evil, or cruel? Not to me. -J.K. Rowling