Make the most

I’ve never been officially diagnosed with an eating disorder or body dysmorphic disorder but I definitely consider myself at risk. It is a constant effort every. single. day. I have to actively work to remind myself that my body does not define me. I’m talking about this today because it’s gotten a lot worse over the last several weeks. I look in the mirror and I see extra pounds and flab. I freak out and think I’ve gained weight. I pull out the measuring tape and it’s the same as it’s always been. My clothes fit but what my eyes see in the mirror doesn’t match.

crazy-pills

This stress fracture has forced me to stop and examine. It’s pretty obvious that running was my go to. My safety net. If I ever had a bad day and made some bad choices

eat

I always had the ability to go run it off.

ran today

Not being able to use running as an insurance policy has unearthed a lot of feelings and disordered thoughts that I have apparently been suppressing. I’m forced to ask myself some questions:
Why am I so preoccupied with my body and food?
Why does it matter so much to me?
Is this who I want to be?
How much time have I wasted worrying about all this?

I’ve also been thinking A LOT about the real reason I run. Do I like running for hours on end because its fun? Because I enjoy challenging myself? Because it’s my daily quiet time?

crazy runners

Or do I like running because it allows me to continue ignoring the fact that I have an unhealthy relationship with food?

It should be said that I have started running again. It’s a slow road back and I’m using the time to evaluate what I want out of this life. The problem, and I have mentioned it before, is that it’s all or nothing with me. Whatever I am involved in, I let it consume me. I don’t half ass anything. So the things I choose to do need to be meaningful.

I had the amazing opportunity to hear Mitch Albom speak this week. He is an incredible public speaker and his thoughts about death and dying are very inspirational. He discussed his book Tuesdays with Morrie and talked about the importance of investing in people and relationships. This is something I have a hard time with.

As a natural introvert, it’s not that I don’t like people, I am just not always sure how to talk to them. I am so much better now than I used to be, but even still, I’m kinda awkward. I tend to avoid conversation (especially with new people) because I am afraid that I won’t know what to say, or worse I’ll just start spewing verbal vomit, or I’ll put my foot in my mouth. Remember how I’m always fearful?? I wish that I was better at knowing what to say and when to say it. I wish that I was comfortable visiting sick people in the hospital or attending baby showers. But these things don’t come easy to me. I don’t even like my own birthday because it means that people are talking to me all day and making me the center of attention (not fun for me).

When it comes to work and fitness, I am super goal oriented, I make lists, and organize things, and get a lot done in a day. But lately I’ve been feeling really…just…vapid.

Julia-Stiles-Look-At-Me

I am at a crossroads right now.  Thus far, my goals have all been ME focused. College, weight loss, jobs, etc. And all of these are good accomplishments, I would never fault myself or anyone else for these things. It’s just…at the end of the day, I still don’t feel “good enough”. I feel like I’m doing so much…and yet… nothing at all.

I am not ready to give up running or exercise, it’s important to take care of yourself so you can take care of others. I just don’t want this to be MY LIFE anymore. I realize there’s more out there.

mind

 I am making a change. I have been in contact with a local nonprofit organization about getting involved with their mission and I am hoping to work more on my relationships. I have spent my entire life being afraid of people but I believe that Mitch Albom is right. Success, money, image, none of those things matter. Mitch said when your time comes you’re not lying on your death bed calling out for your Porsche or the big screen tv. NO. You are calling out to loved ones. You just want a last hug, a last touch, to tell them you love them. That is what matters.

interruption

Brett Dennen sings a lot about the truly important things in life, that is why I find his music so uplifting. This is a little excerpt from his song Make the Most. I think it’s pretty fitting.

And in the morning, when I rise
One question, that feels like the sun in my eyes
Am I making the most of this life?
So much trouble and so much strife
And in my guilty hour
Through all of my shame
When all my love is run sour
I have no one else to blame
Cause it finds me through the mask I wear
And I see it through it my eyes closed
But still I cannot bare to stare into my worries and my woes
Theres comfort in self loathing and its easy to slip into it
But still I must learn to lead my life with no regrets
All the time it all moves in the same direction
So don’t let it pass you by
Because it moves so fast, there’s no time for perfection
So make the most of this life
Make the most of this life 
Make the most of this life
Make the most of this life


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