I’m just gonna go ahead and say that high school wasn’t pleasant for me. Some people thrive and make life-long friends.
Others harbor unrealistic expectations of themselves and thus are prone to self loathing and angst. Combine that with raging teenage hormones and well…
I’m sad to say that I was the latter of those two. BUT, going away to college was one of the best decisions I ever made. I have grown so much and learned a lot about myself. It’s taken a lot of time though. Working on improving my self-image and decreasing perfectionistic tendencies has been incredibly difficult. But I believe it has gotten me to where I am today physically, personally, and professionally. It saved my relationship. I don’t believe that Josh and I would still be together today if I hadn’t made the conscious effort to let go of perfection and embrace failure. Ok, well maybe not embrace…but at least accept it as a necessary growth process.
I still have a lot of work to do, though. I’m still a bully to myself when I skip a workout or pig out on pizza. I still have to make myself try new things and get past the fear of failing at them. But overall, I am a completely different person than I was 10 years ago when I left home to go to college.
And I think this is what’s bothering me about moving back here. It reminds me of the old Lindsay, my teenage self. I’ve been back here almost 5 weeks, and despite some really amazing things happening, I have been struggling emotionally. I have noticed a sharp increase in food cravings, thus, increasing negative self talk. I mean, I am just flat out ugly to myself! Then I am mean about the fact that I am being mean. And then I am mean to those around me.
It’s ludicrous and exhausting…believe me… I try to explain to Josh what I’m dealing with and he just looks at me like I’m completely foreign.
I just tell him, if you think it’s annoying for you…imagine what it’s like in here.
But I’ve been thinking about this. My resistance to living in my hometown has nothing to do with the town or the people or the fact that I can’t go anywhere without seeing someone I grew up with. No, it only has to do with me and the script that I follow here.
What’s a script?? Well, it’s something I learned about in one of my undergraduate psychology courses. Don’t ask me who the theorist was…I don’t remember. But I do remember that people tend to follow scripts, or patterns. In the movie theatre we eat popcorn and candy. At birthday parties we blow out the candles and eat cake. When it’s cold we snuggle up with a blanket on the couch.
My script here is to eat a lot, not workout, and hate myself for it.
But that is not me anymore. I haven’t been that person for a long time. I have no idea why, after all this time, I am still trying to follow an outdated and irrelevant script. I mean, it’s not just me, everyone around me has changed and grown as well. Why can’t I just adjust?!
But here is the basis of all my problems…
IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT RIGHT AWAY
Josh and I were talking about houses the other day, trying to decide on a fixer upper vs. updated (more on that another day) and I made the comment above. To which he replied
IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT EVER
Ya’ll I just love him. Except when he is always right!
This totally ties in with my previous post about my goal for 2014. This year will be hard. No doubt. I have to re-write my script! And learn a new job…And pick a house to buy…And finish my application to graduate school…
But, it doesn’t have to be perfect…ever. I don’t have to be perfect… ever.