Not my plan

So I am a type A. Yeah…I know…SHOCKER! It’s just the way I am. It makes me feel good to be in control and to plan things.

When I was in college and I had to sit through a boring lecture I would just pick a desk in the back and work in my planner. It’s basically the color coded text version of my entire life in one black book. I am very futuristic and love to envision what could be. So it makes sense that I would use this skill on myself right? I would sit and literally plan my life out year by year, month by month.

May 2008-graduate with bachelors
June 2008-begin my masters
Fall 2009-graduate with master’s (ambitious I know, but I did it!)
October 10, 2009-get married

But that’s where my plan ended. Mostly because that was the end of all the decisions I could control.

And here I am, 4 years later in the exact same situation. I haven’t written about this here because I honestly just don’t want to share too much given the nature of the problem. But when I feel out of control I have an intense need to write. I have to put things down on paper, where I can see them. I can control words. If there is nothing else in my life I can control, I can choose what words to write.

I am feeling frustrated in my job. It’s just not fulfilling. So naturally, I want to write a plan for my life. I want to pick a new job and move on. Easy.

But God doesn’t work that way and I’m pretty sure He doesn’t appreciate my Judge Judy attitude either…

4HIYFS0

Waiting to hear back about a job is excruciating. I have never stared at my phone so much in my life. You would think I was willing it to bend with the time I have spent staring intently at the thing.

But God is working on me, I can feel it…And by “it” I mean pain. This entire year has been so incredibly frustrating for me, and I cannot express my exasperation with all the uncertainty I have faced.

I am reaching my limit of the amount of  rejection I can endure and I am getting weary. I am starting to believe that there is something wrong with me. With every single NO I am spun through the stages of grief and left wavering, just a little less resilient than the time before.

It’s difficult to write about this because it’s humiliating. But mostly, I never want anyone to pity me. It’s just easier to hide it. So instead I try to push it all aside, trying to stay in balance somewhere between this guy

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and this guy

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And I’m leaning heavily toward the bathing in cheese guy…

When I was training for the marathon I always thought about that quote that circulates on pinterest that says something along the lines of “If it hurts, run faster”. When I set out to run 26 miles, I knew that was how far I had to go. I knew it would eventually end. And I knew if I wanted it to end faster then I should run faster. And the only person who controlled whether I ran faster or not was me.

But that doesn’t apply here at all. The truth is, I have no idea when I will find a job that is fulfilling and utilizes all my strengths. I have no idea when God’s plan is going to be clear. And I am not handling that very well, despite the fact that it was my own decision that put me in this situation.

leave the company

I am usually a source of inspiration for others. Just like when I wrote the post about The Butterfly Struggle, I can usually find the positive. But I am just one PETA commercial away from a complete emotional break down. So I have been searching for inspiration and a glimpse of insight. And I have found these thoughts from others useful as I am looking for a way to keep the faith and survive this time in my life. Because I do know this…just like the marathon the pain will be worth it when it is over.

“Wait on the Lord” is a constant refrain in the Psalms, and it is a necessary word, for God often keeps us waiting. He is not in such a hurry as we are, and it is not his way to give more light on the future than we need for action in the present, or to guide us more than one step at a time. When in doubt, do nothing, but continue to wait on God. When action is needed, light will come.” 
― J.I. Packer, Knowing God

“If you’re still waiting for it, it means you’re not yet ready for it…whatever “it” is…so stop looking at waiting as a punishment and start looking at it as preparation!” 
― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

“I have to learn that the aim in life is God’s, not mine. God is using me from His great personal standpoint, and all He asks of me is that I trust Him, and never say — Lord, this gives me such heart-ache…. He simply asks me to have implicit faith in Himself and in His goodness.” 
― Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

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3 comments

  1. I think we’re like personality twins! 😉 If it makes you feel any better, I have interviewed at the same company, six times for four different positions over the course of the last 8 months…and been rejected every time. To top it off, I have another interview next week for a position they initially rejected me for because I had “too much experience”. Anyway, short story long, I think you just HAVE to keep pushing. I have those days where I think NO one wants to hire me and I should just give up and I’m going to be in this job that I HATE forever (plus LOTS of tears)… but in the end, I’d only be cheating myself by giving up. That’s what my old XC coach used to tell us about skipping runs…you’re only cheating yourself. You’ve got this..you’re strong. You ran a marathon!

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