I’ve always disliked Jillian Michaels. Her abrasiveness always rubbed me the wrong way but my feelings were solidified a few years ago when I came across an interview of hers in a fitness magazine. Jillian told the magazine that she never wanted to have children because it would ruin her body. At the time, I was completely appalled. I mean…seriously? I found the statement to be totally vain and hollow.
Fast forward 5 years…So much about me has changed since then. My priorities have been completely reconstructed and I am not saying I thoroughly agree with Jillian’s statement, but I can at least see where the woman was coming from.
I have been terrified of pregnancy since I was a teenager. I won’t go into any details about hormones but I can just tell that I am not going to be that glowing skinny pregnant woman who walks around looking like she stuck a basketball up her turtleneck sweater. No, my body likes fat. It holds on to it and I have to work very hard to keep it away.
Mostly because I love food. I struggle every single day with food choices.
I set a goal years ago to fix my eating habits before pregnancy so that I would not use it as an excuse to eat everything in sight. And I have made a lot of progress. I am nowhere near my recommended daily servings of fruit and veggies but I’m getting there.
And through all the struggle, Josh and I are happier than we’ve ever been. Our relationship is stronger than it’s ever been. We are both healthier than we’ve ever been.
So why would we want to ruin something so wonderful by deciding to have children??
I have heard so many people express that they can’t imagine their life before having kids. And it’s just hard to comprehend because I am afraid of all the work and money that they require. And, let’s be real…I am selfish.
But really, when it comes down to it…that stuff doesn’t matter. It doesn’t. It disappears in those sweet moments that just can’t seem to be relished enough. When you rock them and they fall asleep dreaming in your arms. When they reach out to hug or kiss you unprompted. The sheer joy on their face when you enter the room. The emptiness of the house when they are not there.
Even with my 27th birthday looming, I still feel so young. I still see Josh and me as the teenagers we were when we met. We have been together over 10 years and I still don’t know if I’ve had enough time with just us. And at the same time, I can’t wait to take another step in our lives together.
So the answer to the question everyone’s asking (and by everyone, I mean a couple people) is we don’t know yet. There are still many questions that we don’t have the answers to concerning the path we take next. But the decision of when to have kids will be fully based on those answers. And I get butterflies from the anticipation…
“Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other.” -Edward W. Howe