Still with the itch…

medals

Everything we own is packed. All I have is a box of clothes and all my running accessories. I really don’t know if I’m ready to explain how I am feeling yet. That’s why I haven’t been blogging. I’m just…blah. But I’m going to start typing and see where this goes…

I should be super excited about this new experience in St. Louis, and I am. I guess I’m still just working through it all. I mean, I don’t really know what to do with myself right now. I had a job that I put everything into. I started running as a release from the stress of that job. And now that job isn’t there anymore. I am confused about what lies before us. And I’ve told you that I am a list maker. I am a planner. I need to know exactly what’s coming and I need to make a plan for how to handle it. (have I mentioned I’m also a dreamer?)

But I can’t do that in this situation. I have no idea how I will make money in St. Louis and no idea how I will make money when we get back. This is because we have no idea where we are coming back to. Josh signed a contract to work for a company in 1 of 2 cities. BUT, if he gets accepted into a residency program, we may have to move to another state again. And we don’t have answers to any of this questions and don’t know when we will get the answers. MuMuMuMuMumadness….(any Muse fans??)

This is all very stressful for a type A. I was able to toss all this aside last week. “Have yourself a merry little Christmas,let your heart be light. From now on our troubles will be out of sight” And I tried very hard to enjoy the holiday and forget about all this stress.

But Christmas is over and New Year’s is almost here. I feel so much pressure to perform. Not only to make money but I keep getting asked how the running is going. I know why I love running. And I have been running. But I haven’t been racing. And that’s what my itch is. I feel the need to. And I have had to ask myself why? Is it because I truly enjoy running so hard I want to puke? Or do I love to race because it’s impressive to others?

I need to answer this question in order to figure out where I’m going in 2013 but I’m afraid this question may not be answered in 30 hours. Perhaps I will go for a run and see what I can come up with…

“Never be afraid to tread the path alone. Know which is your path and follow it wherever it may lead you; do not feel you have to follow in someone else’s footsteps.” -Gita Bellin

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4 comments

  1. I can definitely understand the worry/fear associated with the UNKNOWN! We try to plan and expect that things will happen a certain way, then BAM! Things happen and we have to adjust. And it doesn’t help if we don’t know ahead of time how things will turn out, scary! BREATHE and take it one day at a time 🙂 you will get through this and as my grandmother likes to say “things have a way of working themselves out”.

  2. Maybe look for races in St. Louis to run it to make you more excited for the move? Change sucks, especially when you don’t have the answers to very reasonable questions.

    You’ll get through this. I actually think a lot of your fears will calm down once you get there. At least once you’re there you can get things settled and actually see what you’re working with.

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