I am not doing too well, people. Stress has gotten the best of me. My eye is still twitching from when it started a month ago. I have gained a couple pounds despite barely being able to eat, what with the nausea and lack of interest in food. I’ve been having stress headaches and have been indulging in compulsive list making. I am either super tired and just want to sleep or super wired and can’t sleep at all. And worst of all…I am pretty much a B most of the time. (sorry poor girl in the grocery store check-out line who I verbally assaulted last week)

And poor Josh. He is such a good man. I really don’t know why he puts up with me. He has been so understanding and helpful through all of this. Even when I yelled at him for packing the toaster. I wasn’t even upset about coming home to find that my kitchen had been packed up in my absence. I was so glad that Josh had done that nasty chore. But that’s not the reaction that came out first. I just got freaked out! As much as I try to seem easy going and flexible…I AM NOT. I thrive on routine, stability, and discipline. And I am not adjusting well to my routine being infringed upon.

When we decided 3 years ago that Josh’s last clinical would be out of state and I would go too, it all seemed so glamorous. A young couple picking up and moving, no children to worry about and living on love and all that. But it has not been that way at all. There are so many logistics that I did not anticipate when I created this charming plan. Here are just a few:

the lease
the bills and storage unit
my job and lack thereof
our health insurance and lack thereof
a recent relapse in some of my body dysmorphic issues
the possibility of waiting tables after advising a staff for 2 years
lack of running
moving back in with my parents
my craft business that I thought would be a good idea to start the month before we move
packing up everything we own
driving 800 miles
moving in to an apartment we’ve never seen
leaving our dogs with my parents for 3 months
missing our nephew’s first birthday and other time with our family
how cold it is in St. Louis (compared to Texas that is)
sharing a 500 square foot room and one bathroom
the fact that we have no idea what is going to happen when this clinical is over

HOWEVER, I am learning that things will be ok. I freak out and then my rational mind returns. It will only be a negative experience if I make it that way. So I am doing my best to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. (one of the most difficult trials of will power in my opinion)

And no one wants to be around a mean old B, so I will just stop being one….as best I can. And maybe Josh will invest in Elf on a Shelf to encourage good behavior on my part this holiday season…


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