So yesterday I talked about how much I wanted to quit during last week’s long run. For over half the run all I could think about were all the reasons I wanted to quit. Not just the run, but I was doubting my ability to run the marathon. I forgot why I wanted to do this. So I went to my diary.
I have kept a diary since my freshmen year in college. I wrote much more regularly back then but I can usually manage to write in it once every few weeks now. I wrote in it quite a bit during my weight loss period. I decided to go back and read over some of the thoughts I had during that time. I came across several statements that caught my eye:
“I will do my best to document this experience so that when I succeed I can read back and see how good it felt. I want to read back over all the entries in which I wrote about how much it sucks to be fat.”
“I am having a hard time accepting that I am fat now. I just cant believe this is my body. It must be temporary or an optical illusion or something right? Wrong. It is me. I am 220 pounds and wear size 18 pants. I am pissed. I cry and scream and want to throw a fit because I am so angry about it. Everything I worked for in 4 years, gone in 3 months. It’s heartbreaking. There it is. Now what am I going to do about it? Crying and screaming hasn’t changed my body so far. I must try something else.”
“Lindsay, exercising, although boring , feels so good! You feel awesome after you accomplish a task and follow through with your goals! It feels better than any trip to ci ci’s or nacho night. Trust me. I am experiencing the high right now! I feel like I could go outside and run around the block! My body feels better and my muscles look tighter. No matter how much you don’t feel like it, DO IT!! The benefit far out weighs the cost.”
(by the way, I love how I wrote that I felt like I could go run around the block! At the time, that would have been a big accomplishment.)
Reading over my diary and looking at a few pictures reminded me the main reason I wanted to run a marathon. I set a goal to lose 55 pounds in the fall of 2009. In the spring of 2012, I finally surpassed my goal and lost 65 pounds. I needed another challenge. I wanted something I could focus on and work toward.
Sometimes I look down and think “when did that happen?” I barely remember all the hours I put in the gym, and I definitely don’t remember all the food/drink I passed up when I was losing weight. I only remember how awesome it is to feel this good.
So the next time a run sucks, I will remember what I told myself “You feel awesome after you accomplish a task and follow through with your goals!” I am way too far in to give up now.
“What is to give light must endure the burning.”-Victor Frankl