Is this me?

I shared something with my husband this weekend about all this marathon training. Not really a fear, but not really a hope either.

When I signed up to run the Austin 10/20, I had absolutely no intention of joining the racing community or even the running community for that matter. I was still trying to lose weight and I figured that running 4+ miles a few times a week would definitely help me meet that goal. Plus I just wanted the picture with me wearing a bib at the finish line.

The race morning went by so fast but I have vivid memory of the thoughts that entered my head right about mile 7:

“This is the worst $%*!&%# thing ever. Who does this?? I WILL NOT do this again. This hurts and I have never felt so miserable in my life. Just don’t quit. Finish this race and I promise you will never have to endure this again.”

hilarious right?

I spent the next 2 or 3 weeks feeling lost and experiencing the symptoms that I think can only be attributed to racing  withdrawal. I decided to run a marathon.

If someone would have told me 6 years ago that this is where I would be today I would have thought they were a psycho. But I guess that’s the whole point of my blog…never say never.

Though, I do wonder why I enjoy racing so much because I suffer from performance anxiety. I grew up freaking out over piano recitals, band chair tests and middle school basketball games. I was pretty good at all of those things but for some reason I just didn’t want anyone to know. A lot of that has to do with my fear of failure. I still have never sung karaoke (by myself). While I still get nervous at races, I don’t choke like I used to growing up. I was the girl who forgot the song halfway through the piano performance (and everyone in the room holds their breath until you start playing again). I was usually last chair and often got taken out of the game because I was holding back tears when I missed one shot.

With running it’s different. It’s hard to choke and even then, if you don’t finish a race it’s because of injury or exhaustion, not because of something you did wrong. I can’t forget how to run or get sat on the bench because I am just trying to do better than I did last time. No one else is depending on me. If I don’t have a good run, the whole team doesn’t suffer. I just really enjoy running right now.

But I tell you all this to say…

I am afraid or excited…still not sure which one…that this is only the beginning. Even though I am telling myself that one marathon is all I have in me and I will be done after November 3rd…what if I’m not.  What if I cross the finish line and feel that urge? But more importantly, what if I don’t?

“In between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed.”-Sid Caesar

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3 comments

  1. I experienced the same stage fright moments right before my first 5k last weekend, but what I loved the most was the end and being able to cheer other runners on. I don’t have a running buddy because I prefer to run solo (I’d be too stressed out that I was slowing someone down!) and, while I care about what my time is and I like to see the tallies on MapMyRun.com, I don’t mind if I am slower than normal. I am just really experiencing the feeling of running. I thin you will do the marathon and love it and then you’ll sign up for another one! Good luck 🙂

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