Arguing with a toddler

This morning I planned to do a 6 mile run at the local KOA. I usually look forward to this location. I am weird but I really like hill training. I think it is the sense of accomplishment but more so, the distraction that hills provide during a run.

But when the alarm went off at 6am, I just didn’t feel like it. I felt like I only had 3 hours of sleep  instead of the 7 I actually had. I decided to skip the run.

Normally when this happens, I reset the alarm and then lay there trying to go back to sleep. The attempt is usually unsuccessful because I begin worrying about how awful I will feel if I skip the workout etc. I end up getting out of bed doing the workout and feeling SO much better than if I had snoozed a little longer.

That is not what happened this morning. I reset the alarm and fell right back to sleep. Which leads me to believe that I did in fact, need the extra couple of hours of rest. However, I have not felt happy about it at all. I woke up in the exact same body I had yesterday, the same one I thought looked pretty good. But after skipping a run, I look in the mirror and see a fat lazy blob. I KNOW this isn’t true. My rational mind knows what’s true, but it’s like I’ve been arguing with a toddler all morning.

Let me make the comparison: Actual conversation I had with my 2 year old nephew this weekend:

“What’s that Aunt Winnie?” (We are still working on the pronunciation of Linny”
“It’s a belly button ring”

“What’s that Aunt Winnie?”
“It’s a belly button ring”

“What’s that Aunt Winnie?”
“It’s a belly button ring. See my earring right here? It’s just like that except it’s in my belly button.”

“What’s that Aunt Winnie?”

And then I changed the subject. A similar conversation I had with myself this morning while attempting a shower without actually having to look at my naked body:

“You’re so fat”
“No you aren’t”

“You’re so fat”
“No you aren’t”

“You’re so fat”
“No you aren’t. you missed one run, you did not get fatter.”

“You’re so fat”

Now, I can honestly say that I have made incredible improvements in the way I talk to myself over the past year. I was not always able to argue with myself. I used to say hateful things in my head and just go on believing they were true, so I cannot complain too much at this point. However, I can express how utterly mystifying this phenomenon is. If a friend called me this morning and said she missed her run and she was fat I would promptly explain all the reasons why it is perfectly fine to miss a workout every once in a while and that her weight DOES NOT define her. And I would be saying these things in earnest honesty. Why is it different when it’s me?

I understand that it is this drive for perfection that is directly responsible for many of the accomplishments in my life thus far. However, it is also the cause for many of my worries and sufferings as well. A balance is necessary, but seemingly impossible at times. I just do my best to remind myself of my accomplishments which far outweigh the perceived “failures”.

“Failure is an event, not a person.” -Zig Ziglar

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9 comments

  1. I totally understand this. (not the working out part, but the self-talk…)
    I would have a stern talk with any friend who talked about herself the way that I talk to myself. But we’re always really good at GIVING advice, aren’t we…

  2. I haven’t been able to run or do much exercise at all these past few weeks (I walk my dog everyday at least) due to my healing hamstring and I certainly feel like a lazy bum! And yes, sometimes your body just needs that extra sleep, its not all in your head 🙂

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