The victim
I have been thinking about all my “stressors” and I came to an unflattering conclusion. I have been acting like a victim. Yes it’s true. I’m sure many of you aren’t surprised by this and have even been wanting to smack me and let me know yourselves. I kind of wish someone had. Because I have been blaming the outside world for my mood and performance.
And this is wrong.
I am responsible for my reaction to the world around me. And I am sad that I let this knowledge escape me for a while. I mean, this is not what I based my blog on. This was the header on my blog until I replaced it last November after the marathon:
I didn’t know that my body would be able to handle a marathon. I didn’t know that I would have time to go on all the training runs. But it didn’t matter because I believed that it could be done. So I announced it to the world via this blog (just about a year ago) and then set out. And I faced obstacles. I cried and faced fears. But I completed the goal because I decided it was the only option.
And this mind set should also be applied to life. If I believe I am worthless because I am not getting called for an interview, then I will feel depressed. If I believe that I can’t succeed at Mary Kay because I don’t have time then I won’t progress. If I believe that I am poor because we don’t have any money right now, then I will feel helpless.
And I don’t like feeling depressed and helpless. So I am choosing to turn these thoughts around…immediately. I am not a victim. I have never enjoyed the company of others who play this part and I certainly do not want to be that way myself. I have so many reasons to be just blissfully happy and I am a fool to overlook them.
I have posted this quote before but I think it is just so fitting so here it is again:
Struggling
Well I have not been a very good blogger lately. In fact, I haven’t been a very good anything lately. I’ve just been struggling to do so many things that I am barely managing to be mediocre at everything I have gotten myself in to. Running included.
And I don’t know what’s going on with me, I guess it’s some sort of allergy that has popped up out of nowhere (no doubt just to make my life difficult at an already incredibly stressful time, but that’s neither here nor there.) I’ve just been experiencing some difficulty breathing on my runs, really runny nose/eyes and overall un-comfortableness (more than usual that is).
I mean, this is assuming that I have found the time to run. And I just feel so frustrated. I want to be an excellent runner, an outstanding Mary Kay Consultant, an awesome aunt, a dutiful wife/daughter/sister, a health insured employee, a consistent blogger, and much more but I just can’t find the time to make all that happen. Which means I need to spend some time prioritizing. And I’ll let you know how that goes just as soon as I get to it…
Weee!
If my life is a roller coaster, our time in St. Louis was the slow ride to the top of the first hill. Every agonizing click passing so slowly you’re quite sure your just gonna puke. And the second we parked the car in the driveway in Texas we hit the terrifying ride down. Barreling toward who knows what, we are still sliding down. Just waiting for the next hill when things will slow down. I need to catch my breath from screaming at the top of my lungs from the roller coaster I didn’t even realize I was on until it was too late.
But all the things that have been keeping me busy are wonderful things. For one my sweet little nephews! If you’ve followed me at all you know I freakin love those cuties! I spend every second I can with them. If I am not substitute teaching or working my new Mary Kay business (I know, I never got a chance to post about that…maybe one day) I am with those little boys.
But this has not left much “me” time. I am weeks behind on the shows I watch. I am lucky to grab a quick 3 miles (6 was my average before I got home). Which can leave me feeling a bit…irritable, I’ll say.
And amidst all this, I feel “off” somehow. I am not sick, not blatantly, but I feel…different. More tired. Sleepless, nauseous, and off balance. When I do get to workout, my muscles are jello and my lungs scream. (Hold your horses…I’ve had 4 pregnancy tests, one was from the doctor and all are negative so it’s not that) Nonetheless, it is not right. I am not right. I think it is stress. But it is a vicious cycle because the more stressed I get, the more my body reacts. And the more my body reacts, the more stressed I am.
We will move in to our new house next week! But my job right now is in my hometown so that is where I will stay for a few more weeks. Substitute teaching is good for story telling but I am really hoping to hear back from a few jobs soon. I am ready for things to settle down a little bit.
I have been LOVING the training and inspiration that Mary Kay provides me and sometimes it’s as though they are speaking right to me! One such moment was last night when the speaker said “Broke is a temporary condition. Being poor is a state of mind”
Be gentle
Whew…we are home! And it’s hot in Texas ya’ll!! But I am not complaining, I have been enjoying seeing the sun every day. The days have just been flying by since we got home. And I have eased up on a few of my rules. And by a few I mean mostly all of them. I have been eating a lot, drinking coke, and hardly exercising. But with so much going on around me, my focus is a little off.
And I paid for it last week. I finally decided to go out for a good long run. I planned to do 7 miles. Stuff came up that day, so I wasn’t able to get to the run until late afternoon. Not ideal because the temperature was in the 80′s and I am NOT used to running in that heat right now. I mean, I was averaging 40 degrees below that in St. Louis. But, I just couldn’t take another excuse so I slathered on the sunscreen and headed out anyway.
Thus ensued the worst run of this year. I just felt like a huge balloon was expanding in my tummy. All the bad decisions I had made up to that point were swelling up and causing a lot of pain and discomfort. I had to stop to walk a lot. Plus I was super sweaty and hot. It was just awful.
And the only thing I could think of during this whole run was the movie Liar Liar. Anyone remember the scene when Fletcher gets pulled over?
Cop: You know why I pulled you over ?
Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me !
Cop: Why don’t we take it from the top ?
Fletcher: Here goes.
I sped, I followed too closely, I ran a stop sign, I almost hit a Chevy, I sped some more, I failed to yield, I changed lanes without signaling while speeding !
Cop: Is that all ?
Fletcher: No. I have unpaid parking tickets…………..Be Gentle
While I was running I just couldn’t stop thinking about all the soda, processed cheese, sausage, ice cream, cake, and generally just bad for you foods I consumed over the past week. And this run was my punishment. I just wanted to quit and go home. Call Josh to come get me and lay on the floor under the fan. But I didn’t do that. Because I just knew I had to run it out. I had to work it all out of my system, whether that’s what was actually happening or not I don’t know, but I felt soooo much better when I got done. I only made it 6 of the 7 miles but I felt pretty good about that considering the circumstances…
I wasn’t too pleased with my time (I’ve been averaging 9 minute miles) I went 6 miles in a little over an hour which is not a good pace for me right now. But sometimes, it is just a great accomplishment to be out there moving your body.
And the next day I was feeling a hundred times better! I was able to meet my friends for an 80′s themed 5k and run without a single cramp!
Man I have really missed these girls!
As torturous as those 6 miles were, I really need a bad run every once in a while. To remind me why I make the choices I do. I miss junk food. Sometimes, a lot more than others. But I do not miss how running used to be, back before I changed my eating. No wonder running used to suck so bad, it was because I didn’t know how to properly fuel my body. And now I do and the next time I am faced with a choice between grilled chicken or grilled cheese I will remember this experience.
“There is no person so severely punished, as those who subject themselves to the whip of their own remorse.”-Seneca the Elder
Hello April
Our last days in St. Louis have finally arrived and just as I predicted, it is bitter sweet.
But no time to dwell on it now because much like my lovely blogger friend Sara, I have packed a lot in to the next few days:
Packing up (again) and getting ready to head back to Texas
The Go St. Louis half marathon
A long overdue visit to some family nearby
And a grand finale of driving the 12 hours back to Texas all in one day
I am trying not to let the excitement of going home overshadow the excitement I have for the race though. I debated for several weeks about whether to do it or not. I knew I would be anxious to go straight home but I also don’t get the opportunity to travel to big city races very often.
I am also trying not to worry about the fact that I have a minor sinus infection this week which means that my taper week was actually more like halt week. I am just hoping the rest ends up benefiting me on race day. I have a goal to break the 2 hour mark. I ran my last half back in September in 2:10. So if I work really hard I can accomplish this but a sore throat isn’t going help me.
We’ll see what happens.
But in the meantime…
…if I don’t hit the goal this time it just gives me good reason to sign up for another one!
And really, who could be upset when they are headed home to hold these little cuties?
“We should come home from adventures, and perils, and discoveries every day with new experience and character.”-Henry David Thoreau
Hurry up and wait
I learned a very valuable lesson last weekend. In case you don’t know this, I am not that patient of a person. In fact, I am quite impatient. I try very hard not to impose this on others but sometimes I just can’t help my little self.
Last Saturday was a gorgeous day here in St. Louis, Josh and I actually left the apartment! I needed a new pair of running shoes so we headed to the mall to check out the Dick’s Sporting Goods. And it seems that everyone else in area had the exact same idea because the parking lot was packed.
This is not the actual mall but a good illustration of the packed-ness of the lot.
So we got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic around that circle road that goes all around the mall because all the spaces were taken. A few times we ventured out of the outside circle to see if we could find open spots but every time we saw someone pulling out, we just weren’t in a good position to get there and another car would beat us to it. So we resolved to leave the mall lot and find somewhere else to park and walk.
And then it happened…On our way out of the mall parking lot a car pulled out right next to us. We whipped in and got the spot. The timing was perfect!
We walked into the mall and found ourselves in the food court. We grabbed a couple free samples of sweet & sour chicken and headed to the first escalator we saw…which just happened to lead straight into Dick’s Sporting Goods.
And at that moment, I looked at Josh and said Ooooooohh.
The whole situation was a perfect metaphor for what’s going on in our lives. I want to know NOW! I want to know how much money Josh will make, what job I will get, when/if I will get pregnant, how much money we’ll be able to save etc.
And it’s mostly the “me getting a job” thing that’s been freaking me out. Ever since finding out that we’re going back to the town we came from, I have been feeling intense remorse about leaving my job. At the time, the plan was for me to go back to school when this was over so I wouldn’t need a full time job if we ended up back in that town. But as they so often do…the plan changed. I choose making money over losing it so I am not going back to school. Which makes me super worried about whether I made a mistake thus, I have been applying for jobs like crazy.
But what happened that day at the mall taught me that wonderful things happen when we aren’t trying so hard to force them. I am not saying I won’t be submitting applications (obviously I still have to try) but I can’t get so upset if a job doesn’t work out because then it just wasn’t meant to be.
Just like all the parking spaces we missed.
If we had gotten the first spots we saw, we would have missed out on free chicken AND had to walk a really long way to get to the store we needed. Which is not all that terrible, but the specifics are not what’s important here, you see, it’s the theme.
So even though Josh and I were really frustrated in the car whilst slowly inching our way around the parking lot trying to escape, we needed to wait for our spot. The one that was meant to lead us exactly where we needed to go.
And so it is with life…
Here it goes again
Alright, one week has passed since we received the news that Josh and I would be moving back to the same town we just left. Which has created a whole shit storm of logistical and menial tasks for me to complete. Call our landlord and see if we can come back, call cable, electricity and water, figure out where all the deposits are going to come from since we spent everything on moving to St. Louis, try to find a halfway respectable job in small town USA, send graduation invitations, the list goes on…
But I am keeping my calm through all of this, because after all friends…I chose it.
“The world isn’t interested in the storms you encountered, but whether or not you brought in the ship.” -Raul Armesto
The news
So I don’t know if I should be embarrassed by this or not but it’s a truth so I guess I should just say it. I really love animated kid’s movies. They are guaranteed to put me in a good mood even if I have sunk to an all time low. Which I did this weekend.
But then something lovely happened…Up and Despicable Me were both on tv at the same time.
Though the day started out pretty miserable. I just was not any fun to be around. I didn’t even want to be around myself, which was impossible to avoid thus deepening my lousy mood.
But even while I sat at the computer angrily slamming out words on my keyboard for my previous blog I couldn’t help but smile at Agnes on the tv. That little cutie…
When I have a daughter I hope with all my little heart that is she is just like Agnes. But there was something even more important about this movie being on at that exact moment in my life.
The first time I ever watched Despicable Me I was alone in my hospital room in January 2011. I was in the midst of guillain-barre syndrome and very, very discouraged. At that point, I was about a year in to my weight loss journey. I had only lost about 20 pounds but I had worked very hard to lose those pounds. I had started Insanity and was finally beginning to feel confident in myself. I started believing that I might actually lose all the weight I gained.
Then I got sick. And all the confidence dissolved and left only despair. You can read about my experience here but in short, I was very weak. Like, have to hold on to the hand rail to go up and down the stairs weak. Like, have to stop to sit down after walking only a few minutes because my muscles were so fatigued weak.
And this pissed me off. It made me feel hopeless. I felt robbed of the work I had put in so far. At that time, I thought I had lost all the progress I made.
And that is the same feeling I had this weekend. And many of you must be wondering what awful, terrible thing could have left Lindsay so grief stricken? What could have possibly happened to cause this usually upbeat, positive woman such gloom?
And I am disgraced to admit that it was simply the news that Josh and I will be moving back to the same town we just left. The same town we just cut ties with.
And we knew it was a possibility. It definitely was a possibility because Josh is under contract to be a physical therapist in 1 of 2 towns. But I was just really hoping and praying and begging that it wouldn’t be this one. But it is and so here I was, terrified that I made a ruinous mistake leaving my job and everything I worked for.
Much the same as I felt that January day, laying in my hospital bed watching Despicable Me in a feeble attempt to escape the thoughts in my head.
This is a picture of Josh and me while I had guillain-barre, about a week before being admitted to the hospital.
And if someone could have walked in to my hospital room and shown to me a picture of what I was to become, of what I would eventually create: 70 pounds lost and marathon finisher.
A marathon was the absolute last thing on my list of things I believed I could accomplish that day. But if I could have been shown the future, I wonder how it would have affected the outcome? I’ll never know but why should now be any different?
So I may not be able to see where I am headed right now, but I will never get anywhere if I lay down and cry about it.
And maybe I’m missing the point entirely. I have big dreams for where I want to go in this life but it’s important to realize that money and a career aren’t the only things that make a person worthwhile or successful.
Not there
I have always tried to keep this blog a place of positivity and hopefulness. I have always believed that good things happen to those who work and most of my posts revolve around this underlying theme. But I’m just not there right now. I haven’t posted all week because I just didn’t want to put these negative thoughts out in the universe to poor unsuspecting blog readers.
But the truth is, I’m not always positive. I don’t always believe that I can do anything I set my mind to. Sometimes I lose faith. Sometimes I wake up with puffy dark eyes because I cried for hours the day before. Which only spirals me into a deeper state of self loathing because I look so hideous. Sometimes “Everything happens for a reason” is just not a good enough answer anymore. Sometimes “Things will all work out” makes me want to punch the person telling me so in the teeth.
I get very frustrated when I can’t seem to control what’s happening in my life. When I tie on my running shoes and step out on the road, I control it from there. If I have a bad run, there is no one to blame but myself. So I just decide to do better next time.
But life isn’t so easy. Money, children, opportunities (both taken and missed) are all very complicated. And it’s very difficult for a go-getter such as myself to stand by waiting for “everything to work out”.
“There are no hopeless situations. Only people who have grown hopeless about them.” -Clare Booth Luce
You’re gonna miss me
A few weeks ago I was baking something in the oven
I know, I know…even I was surprised
But anyway, while I was getting whatever it was out of the oven, I burned myself. It was a pretty bad spot on my right hand. Of course, I ran it under cold water and what not, but the first thing I said to Josh was “this better not leave a scar!”
And ya’ll…I just love him. Because he always has the most wise responses to my complaints. He said “Why?” I gave him the what kind of question is that face and retorted that it was ugly and didn’t even have a good story to go with it. Oh I was just baking something in St. Louis and I burned my hand like a dummy…
And Josh said “Yeah, in St. Louis! There’s your story.”
And he is so right. Whether I like it or not, this experience has branded me both physically and emotionally. And despite how I feel about being here, the important thing is to find a way to see the positive. So even though my weekly running mileage has been puny as of late, I would have never discovered how much I enjoy Crossfit if the weather hadn’t been so annoying. Even though substitute teaching made it difficult to keep to a routine, I would have never discovered just how flexible I can be if not for that job.
And as much as I miss my life in Texas, I have to stop and realize just how much I will miss this one day.
So friends, the moral of the story is
Unspring break
It’s just really not fair. I am on the verge of a huge fit right now…this time last year I was basking in the sun by the beach in Port Aransas. This year I’m wearing layers and walking through sleet.
Give me a break…this is not what I had in mind for spring break. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a real thing people!!
Beach vacation can’t get here soon enough…
“In my mind I’m going to Carolina,
Can’t you see the sunshine,
Can’t you just feel the moonshine”
Carolina in My Mind by James Taylor
Mixed tape
I am reading a book about a music therapist and she likes to ask people this question “What songs would be on a mixed tape that describes you?”
And I realize that no one makes mixed tapes or even cds anymore (though I still have all the ones I ever made). But the question still got me thinking. I have always loved music…all kinds of music. Music speaks to me. From Hank Williams to Enya to Eminem. Music is so intertwined with memory and emotion. You know the songs…the ones that can instantly take you somewhere. Moments or even entire summers can be remembered with just a few notes.
And I have never been able to answer the question on those chain emails “What’s your favorite song”. I mean seriously? Just one? Impossible.
But to try to create a mixed tape of songs that would describe me…now that is a little different.
So here is my best attempt to describe a complex human personality in only 10 songs (in no particular order):
4. Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Israel Kamakawiwo’ole
6. Words, Ryan Adams (kind of an obscure song, only covers on youtube)
and of course…what girl can’t relate to this song at times
10. I’m a Bitch, Meredith Brooks
“I think music in itself is healing. It’s an explosive expression of humanity. It’s something we are all touched by. No matter what culture we’re from, everyone loves music.”-Billy Joel
St. Louis Week 9
It’s been over 2 months since we arrived in St. Louis. The days fly by and weeks seem to crawl. But the good news is we only have 4 weeks left. One of which is spring break (for me anyway, Josh has to work).
I am finally driving around without using Google Maps (most of the time). I’ve basically become a seasoned street parking, horn honking city driver. We’ve almost finished the to-do list we started and I’m sure we haven’t even scratched the surface of everything St. Louis has to offer.
We…
Traveled to the top of the Gateway Arch
Toured Busch Stadium
Visited the Zoo
Celebrated Mardi Gra in Soulard
Learned how to live with snow and cold…all the time
Toured the Schlafly Brewery and enjoyed free samples
Saw the Blues play hockey
Crawled around in the City Museum
Enjoyed some Imo’s St. Louis style pizza with provel cheese
And saw Muse live at Chaifetz Arena
As much fun as we’ve been having, I sure do miss easy weekends at home just hanging out with the dogs.
“A good place to visit, but a poor place to stay.”-Josh Billings
That time I was too lazy to do a long run and did the hardest workout of my life instead…
With everything going on, I kinda forgot to mention that I am training to run the Go St. Louis half marathon on April 6th. Yay! And things were going really well, I was right on track…but then it snowed…a lot.
As you can see from my Dailymile report, I was averaging almost 20 miles a week. I was pretty satisfied with that since I am focusing on cross training.
But right around week 8, I just got sick of the cold. We had a snow storm, then it snowed every other day or so and the wind was blowing 20 or more miles an hour. I just wasn’t having it. So I moved my workouts inside and my mileage went down. But last weekend I planned to do a 10 mile long run. When I woke up on Saturday morning I saw snow flurries out my window and my reaction was an immediate
photo from aetv.com
a phrase which Josh and I have been severely overusing as of late due to our Duck Dynasty fever. So I started looking up crossfit workouts. And this is what I came up with
This should be pretty simple, right? I have done just plain old Angie before and it wasn’t too bad so I’ll just add in running and we’ll be golden…I even decided to go ahead and make it 8 miles by running to the gym (which is 4 miles) for a warm up.
yeah…no…
I cannot do 100 pullups in a row (which I use the assistance machine btw) so I broke this down even more. So I did 50 pullups, run 1/2 mile, etc. until I completed all the reps and miles. By the time I got about 3/4 of the way through my legs were jello and I was really afraid of having a mortifying treadmill moment (see exhibit a below)
This workout turned out to be way harder than just running the 10 miles in the cold. But I set a goal, and I hate quitting. So I finished the workout. It took me 1 hour and 14 minutes and I burned 1200 calories total.
Which I promptly replaced that night out celebrating my birthday…
“Difficulties are things that show a person what they are.”-Epictetus
SkyRobics with my son, I mean husband
I came across an article about Sky Zone SkyRobics a few months ago in a fitness magazine of some sort and I have been wanting to try it ever since. I love trampolines! So I tracked one down in the St. Louis area and invited Josh to go with me.
And just a little side story here…The girl at the counter was probably…I don’t know…maybe 18 or 19. And Josh is CONSTANTLY mistaken for being 19 or 20 years old. (It kills me because I am always mistaken for being much older than I am, so people think I’m some kind of cougar even though we are less than a year apart in age). So we walk up to the girl and she asks if it’s our first time at Sky Zone and we reply yes. She hands me a waiver and asks Josh if he is 18. We both look at each other in amusement and look back at her.
She obviously doesn’t understand our exchange and then asks me “Are you Mom?”.
She was pretty embarrassed when I told her he was my husband, but didn’t apologize…
ANYhoozer…Of course I love spending time with Josh, but really I just needed someone to take a picture of me jumping in the air and since he is such a wonderful, devoted husband he agreed to come along.
My SkyRobics photo expectation:
or possibly this
Reality:
Even though the pictures sucked and apparently I look old enough to be Josh’s mom, it was still a fun workout and something I will definitely do again. My Garmin said I burned 500 calories in an hour. This was the beginner’s class so we were still getting used to the feel of running on the trampoline. They said the actual class is more difficult.
Happy weekend!
“Why wait for the weekend to have fun?” -Loesje
The question everyone’s asking
I’ve always disliked Jillian Michaels. Her abrasiveness always rubbed me the wrong way but my feelings were solidified a few years ago when I came across an interview of hers in a fitness magazine. Jillian told the magazine that she never wanted to have children because it would ruin her body. At the time, I was completely appalled. I mean…seriously? I found the statement to be totally vain and hollow.
Fast forward 5 years…So much about me has changed since then. My priorities have been completely reconstructed and I am not saying I thoroughly agree with Jillian’s statement, but I can at least see where the woman was coming from.
I have been terrified of pregnancy since I was a teenager. I won’t go into any details about hormones but I can just tell that I am not going to be that glowing skinny pregnant woman who walks around looking like she stuck a basketball up her turtleneck sweater. No, my body likes fat. It holds on to it and I have to work very hard to keep it away.
Mostly because I love food. I struggle every single day with food choices.
I set a goal years ago to fix my eating habits before pregnancy so that I would not use it as an excuse to eat everything in sight. And I have made a lot of progress. I am nowhere near my recommended daily servings of fruit and veggies but I’m getting there.
And through all the struggle, Josh and I are happier than we’ve ever been. Our relationship is stronger than it’s ever been. We are both healthier than we’ve ever been.
So why would we want to ruin something so wonderful by deciding to have children??
But then I think about my sweet baby nephews…They aren’t even mine and I love them so much.
I have heard so many people express that they can’t imagine their life before having kids. And it’s just hard to comprehend because I am afraid of all the work and money that they require. And, let’s be real…I am selfish.
But really, when it comes down to it…that stuff doesn’t matter. It doesn’t. It disappears in those sweet moments that just can’t seem to be relished enough. When you rock them and they fall asleep dreaming in your arms. When they reach out to hug or kiss you unprompted. The sheer joy on their face when you enter the room. The emptiness of the house when they are not there.
Even with my 27th birthday looming, I still feel so young. I still see Josh and me as the teenagers we were when we met. We have been together over 10 years and I still don’t know if I’ve had enough time with just us. And at the same time, I can’t wait to take another step in our lives together.
So the answer to the question everyone’s asking (and by everyone, I mean a couple people) is we don’t know yet. There are still many questions that we don’t have the answers to concerning the path we take next. But the decision of when to have kids will be fully based on those answers. And I get butterflies from the anticipation…
“Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other.” -Edward W. Howe
Control
I’ve been thinking about this lately. I have always believed this statement to be true. I grew up with a firm work ethic instilled in me and I was taught to follow through on my commitments. So I naively believed that this was the way of the world.
But in reality it’s not. I mean, sure, good things do come to those who work. But good things come to those who beg, kiss ass, annoy, cheat and lie too.
Josh has heard me carry on about this way too many times but I do find myself asking, why do I work so hard? When I see others being rewarded for something they don’t deserve, it takes away from the pride I feel in the work I have done. For example, in grad school I worked very hard on my papers. I painstakingly proofread and edited every paper before turning it in. Thus, I received high grades, sometimes even 100′s on my papers. At the time, I felt so proud of myself and thought I must be some great writer!
After I graduated, I had the opportunity to see the writing of other students in my program and I thought it was not so great. However, they too were receiving high grades on their papers.
Another example: Why do I work so hard in the gym when a few thousand dollars could buy me what I want to see?
I guess it’s on my mind lately because I see it in the schools every day when I sub. The students who cause disruption are the ones getting attention (negative attention, but attention nonetheless) while the students who work quietly get overlooked because I am too busy yelling at the ones causing problems. This is NOT the message I want to be sending to America’s youth.
I hate that at the end of a day, I remember the names of all the students who caused trouble, and have a really hard time recalling the names of anyone else. I do make a point to write the names down of those who are “good” and those who are “bad” and hope that the teacher handles it accordingly. But, at the end of the day, there’s only so much I can do. I am only a substitute and have very little power for doling out due consequence to unruly children.
And this is true in all areas of my life. I cannot control what others do. If they choose to suck up, use people, “know people” or just happen to get lucky, there is nothing I can do. I can only control my reaction to the world around me.
And I have to believe that somehow, someday, I will benefit from being one of the people who choose to work. Because if I don’t believe this, the world becomes a very grim place. Any Scrubs fans out there here’s an episode related to this (it also has one of my favorite Brett Dennen songs).
We’re booked!
So this is what it looks like in St. Louis today:
School was canceled yesterday and today because of icy road conditions which means I get to stay home! And Josh even got to join me yesterday afternoon =)
Despite all the snow, all I can think about is the trip we just booked to the Dominican Republic! I made Josh promise me when he started PT school 3 years ago that when he graduated we would go on a trip to the islands. Somewhere warm, remote, and with lots of booze.
After 3 years of researching and planning this thing (I mean, I haven’t been looking forward to it or anything) we finally decided on Luxury Bahia Principe Cayo Levantado in the Dominican. It is an all inclusive resort that is on it’s own island. And it’s adult only so there won’t be any pesky children splashing me in the pool.
And we almost didn’t get it…I picked this place out last summer but I have been waiting to book, you know, just in case we needed the money we saved for something else. But apparently I waited too long because I called the travel agent on Monday with the dates and when I emailed Tuesday morning to confirm, she told me they were sold out. Entirely…not a room available on the island.
Ya’ll, I just cried!
I couldn’t believe it had sold out over night! I felt like a kid whose favorite toy just got yanked out of their hand!
BUT, I have an AMAZING travel agent and she was able to get us in. Not the original dates, but we’re going to make it work. And in 90 days I will be rockin my new bikini on the beach in the Dominican! Which is going to be a really big deal for me because this is what I looked like on our honeymoon 3 years ago:
WOW…I don’t even know that person anymore… not Julian the travel guide, I actually remember him really well. I am referring to the unhealthy and very unhappy version of myself.
The excitement of this trip is enough to get me through the miserable cold and windy days here in Missouri…
I’m sure they cleared the people and the beach chairs for this photo but a girl can dream…
“Vacation used to be a luxury, but in today’s world it has become a necessity.” ~Author Unknown
The body peace treaty
I came across this photo on pinterest the other day. The image links to a random tumblr account but the caption to the photo said this:
“Do this routine before every shower: 50 jumping jacks, 5 pushups, 20 crunches, 20 mountain climbers, and 30 second plank.”
I see this on pinterest all the time! A photo of a rock hard woman associated with a quick daily workout. Sorry ladies, but I seriously doubt that any woman whose body looks like that got that way by “doing this one simple trick” or workout. In fact, I think it was probably even quicker than that…PHOTOSHOP.
I also saw this on pinterest
The one that catches my eye the most is the advertising section: Each year the average adolescent sees over 5, 260 advertisements mentioning attractiveness. That’s almost 15 a day or one for every waking hour. WTF?
This is a PROBLEM! And I am guilty too. I have to work every single day to remember that the ads and images I see all day are trying to sell me something. They are not a measuring stick for what I should look like. I have pictures of rock hard bodies on my pinterest board. And I have to stop and wonder: am I creating inspiration to stay fit or am I hurting myself by setting unreachable standards? Probably a topic I will return to in another blog but in the meantime, I really like the Body Peace Treaty that Seventeen Magazine has created which is posted below:
I VOW TO:
- Do the little things that will keep my body healthy, like walking instead of hanging on the couch, or drinking water rather than something sugary.
- Appreciate what makes my body different from anyone else’s. I love that I’m unique on the inside, I will try to feel that way about the outside too!
- Wear makeup only when I want to and it feels fun. I won’t use it to hide the real me!
- Accept that my body will go through changes, and that’s okay.
- Support my friends, who just like me, have their own body issues. Hey, we’re all in this together!
- Put my energy toward the things in life I care about instead of wasting another ounce of it on my insecurities.
- Remember that the sun will still rise tomorrow even if I had one too many slices of pizza or an extra scoop of ice cream tonight.
- Never blame my body for the bad day I’m having.
- Stop joining in when my friends compare and trash their own bodies.
- Never allow a dirty look from someone else to influence how I feel about my appearance.
- Quit judging a person solely by how his or her body looks — even if it seems harmless — because I’d never want anyone to do that to me.
- Notice all the amazing things my body is doing for me every moment I walk, talk, think, breathe…
- Quiet that negative little voice in my head when it starts to say mean things about my body that I’d never tolerate anyone else saying about me.
- Remind myself that what you see isn’t always what you get on TV and in ads — it takes a lot of airbrushing, dieting, money, and work to look like that.
- Remember that even the girl who I’d swap bodies with in a minute has something about her looks that she hates.
- Respect my body by feeding it well, working up a sweat when it needs it, and knowing when to give it a break.
- Realize that the mirror can reflect only what’s on the surface of me, not who I am inside.
- Know that I’m already beautiful just the way I am.
- Not let my size define me. It’s far better to focus on how awesome I look in my jeans than the number on the tag.
- Surround myself with positive people. True friends are there to lift me up when I’m feeling low and won’t bring me down with criticism, body bashing, or gossip.
- Accept the changes that my body is going through. I will celebrate my new shape and curves. I will rock what I’ve got!
- Remember that sometimes I will have down moments. And in those times, I will remind myself of how awesome I am by looking in the mirror and saying, “I’m good! I can do this! I’m number one!”
- Accept that beauty isn’t just about my looks. It’s my awesome personality and my energy that creates a whole, unique package.
I miss texas
We’ve been here 6 weeks and I’m over it. I’ve had fun trying new things and figuring out city life but now I am just homesick. There are so many things I miss about Texas. And since you know I am a list maker here we go…in no particular order…
- My family and friends
- Our dogs (yes I do actually miss them)
- 70 degree weather in “winter”
- My craft desk
- Whataburger
- Grinner’s Daiquiri bar
- My office
- Having a washer and dryer in my house
- Free parking everywhere
- That smoothie I used to get in the University Center
- Our little house
- Hastings 5 day movie rentals
- Eskimo Hut
- Not waiting in line for hours to eat at a bar-b-que restaurant (I mean really…it’s marginal at best here, I can get it fast and DELICIOUS in Texas)
- Blue-Bell ice cream
- My bed
- 2 steppin
- Sunshine
- Cheddars
- Driving anywhere in town in 15 minutes or less
- The students I worked with
- My gym
- Double Dave’s pizza
- Sleeping at night
- Having enough hot water for a shower lasting longer than 5 minutes
“Texas is not a state — it’s a state of mind.”-John Steinbeck
Frosty 5 mile
If only I could do anything remotely like Turk’s victory dance…
I really went back and forth over whether or not I wanted to enter the Frosty 5 Miler this weekend. But in the end, I decided to go for it and I am super pumped I did! Not only because of my results, but they also gave out pretty cool long sleeve tech shirts.
After this race, I can tell a HUGE difference in my performance. It’s really only been a little over a month of targeted strength training but my legs are stronger. I powered through the hills and busted out an 8:26 pace, which is pretty freakin awesome for me. I finished the 5 miles in 42:13.
It was a pretty small, yet very competitive race. Most of the runners were faster than me, but I made a point not to let it get me down. Instead, I tried to use it as motivation to keep going. And I had a really great playlist which helped too.
MF, AWOLNATION
C’mon, Ke$ha
How far we’ve come, Matchbox 20
Going on, Gnarles Barkley
Never close our eyes, Adam Lambert
Meet me halfway, Black Eyed Peas
Drinking from the bottle, Calvin Harris
Sorry, Akon
Scream & shout, Will.i.am
Hurt somebody, Akon
Space bound, Eminem
Battle scars, Lupe Fiasco
“We are either progressing or retrograding all the while. There is no such thing as remaining stationary in this life.”-James Freeman Clarke
Drinkin’ the kool-aid
My first experience with Cross fit was awful. I pushed myself way too hard and was so sore I could barely move for days afterward. However, I set a goal to spend the winter months focusing on building strength and flexibility. And it has been a process.
I have just never enjoyed strength training. I find it boring (which is hilarious coming from someone who likes to go out and just run for an hour) . I usually would just do the bare minimum with some dumbbells in a back corner of the gym and get out as fast as I could. I hate waiting on machines and going from here to there all over the gym (which is what Crossfit often makes you do).
BUT, I like having muscles. So I find myself in a predicament! So, since we’ve been in St. Louis, I have been working with Josh 2-3 times a week to build more strength and muscle. The first few weeks were…not exactly fun…Let’s just say I don’t get quite the endorphin high (thus good mood) from a strength workout that I do from a good run…
But, in the weeks since that first workout with Josh, I have actually come to almost enjoy strength training. I have been experimenting with Crossfit and I really like it. It’s a new challenge and I am already seeing results, which helps a lot.
Now instead of dreading every workout and feeling discouraged when I am not as good as I expect myself to be, I look forward to going and working toward new goals.
I am hoping to eventually do 1 unassisted pull up. I have no idea how long this will take me but I have tentatively set a date for the end of this year.
Anything looks good on you Ryan Gosling…
“A dream doesn’t become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work.” -Colin Powell
Well how ’bout that
Opened up the March edition of Fitness magazine this morning to find this snippet. Which was awesome because this is exactly what Josh and I are planning to do! The ski resort was offering an UHmazing deal for Valentine’s day so we are heading there as soon as Josh gets off work!
Hope everyone has a lovely day!
“You don’t love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her.”-Anonymous
Substitute teaching in pictures
My first day in the classroom
When the other teachers see that I am the sub
Any time a kid has to pee
When I threaten to take away recess
When I see a kid eating his own booger
When fifth graders have a writing assignment
When I call a rowdy kid out by name
When I ask a high schooler to do anything
Me 10 minutes after the bell rings
